I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
