i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
