dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I smell like Dick and happiness
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
