He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
