I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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