i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
