Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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