his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
