I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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