When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
