someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
