I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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