Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
i need some magic done to my vagina
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
