yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
