I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
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But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
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He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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