My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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