I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
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