remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
