Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Less talking, more tequila
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
