I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
