in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
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