i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
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At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
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The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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