Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
