What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Please don't give away my fajitas
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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