I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
