Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
