I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
