I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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