every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
