All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
