Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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