I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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