Soap is not a condiment
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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