He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
