3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Help. Why am I so naked?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
