Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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