I'm jealous of your bromance
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
