Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
