My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
