my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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