I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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