Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
