I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
