The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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