got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
