Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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