I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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