I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
