YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
