One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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