so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
