god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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