I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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