Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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