he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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