god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You smell like stripper and shame
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
