I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
