he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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