I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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