Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
