Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
