He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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