don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
