I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
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Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
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We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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